The Xbox 360 ‘Red Ring of Death’ Apology Manual

Ah, the ill-fated Xbox 360 Red Ring of Death, how we fear thy ways. After all, with a 16% failure rate, it could happen to anyone. For some of us, it already has. Multiple times. And as much as we love spending a half hour coaxing Microsoft’s customer service into sending us a “coffin” (the sad cardboard box used to mail back your deceased console) only to receive yet another broken replacement, sometimes its easier to just give up. Well then, the least that Microsoft could do is give us a few ideas of what to do with this giant, expired paperweight of failure. That’s why we propose the official Red Ring of Death Apology Manual, printed and paid for by Microsoft themselves, of course. Besides, what else are you gonna do with the damn thing?

Wii Stand

Sure, the snazzy gray stand the Wii comes packed with is cool, but nothing says “Fuck you, Microsoft!” more than perching the tiny Wii on top of the mountain of fried circuitry that is the Xbox360. It’s like screwing your hot new girlfriend in front of your comatose wife.

Towel Heater

While the hard white plastic shell of the 360 is certainly not comfortable, it works wonders on relaxation techniques. Wrap a towel around the console, turn it on for 15 minutes, then unplug it. Viola! - Instant heating pad for muscle and joint pains.

Door Stop

This one is obvious, but we can’t propose this list without it. Why bother wedging that little plastic nub underneath your door, risking back and knee injuries to keep it open, when you can literally drop the 7.8 lb behemoth in front of even the heaviest of doors and get the same effect?

Fake Female Companion

You could easily buy a plastic blow-up doll, but why risk the debilitating embarrassment or bother spending the cash when you already dropped $300+ on a defect-riddled console? A little lube will go a long way with the 360s myriad inputs. The only question is: Are you a front port man, or a back port man?

Unlicensed Wii Fit Balance Board

Spending $90 on Nintendo’s hard-to-find exercise software is pointless if you’re stuck with a busted 360. Simply turn on your TV, tune into that husky-voiced blonde chick doing cardio, and simply follow along using your 360 as a make-shift balance board. Not only will you burn calories, but you’ll take out some of your pent up aggression towards Microsoft for manufacturing such a colossal mess.

Safety Deposit Box

Instead of storing your money away in a bank or an off-shore account in the Caymans like the-minusworld, think about using your busted 360. Let’s face it: No thief worth his salt would take a second look at the 360 sitting in your entertainment center. Why not stuff it full of your cash and valuables? Extra bonus: It’ll clear up more room under your mattress for your filthy Master Chief/Cortana hentai porno collection.

World’s Saddest Kite

Everyone loves kites. Of course, that’s assuming they are capable of riding the wind. Tie a string onto a busted 360, hand it to a little kid, and watch them bawl uncontrollably as they discover that a hulking piece of plastic and soldered wires can’t fly. For extra kicks, tell them Santa Clause won’t be bringing them a new system because he doesn’t exist.

Fireworks

Set up your own fireworks show with the help of Microsoft’s next-gen disaster. You can launch bottle rockets and Roman candles from the outside of the console (the only reliable part) or attach some sparklers into one of the 360s many useless air vents.

Frisbee

Nothing beats tossing the old Frisbee around the yard. It’s fun and helps counter some of the soft-tissue damage incurred from your recent 24 day long Call of Duty 4 binge. Sure, the 360 is a bit bulky and could possibly cause more damage than it did when it actually worked (just ask the unfortunate soul in the picture), but so long as you don’t use it to play catch with your dog, you’re in the clear.

Primitive Mousetrap

Xbox gamers are amongst the most dedicated negligent gamers out there. When they aren’t in the middle of an all-night FFXI session while cos-playing as their in-game avatar (surprise: not every female black mage is being played by an actual female!), they’re letting their basement bachelor pad fall into disrepair. Thankfully, the 360 can easily be converted into a simple, yet effective mousetrap. No longer do you sloppy pixelantes have to worry about rodent infestations!


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